New Year's Musings

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. I stopped years ago after I realized I never saw them through. So, in resolving not to make resolutions (not something I did specifically, I'm speaking metaphorically) I resolved to tackle problems as I see them. This has resulted in me being unable to deny issues when I see them for very long. Not necessarily the most convenient, but it hasn't been a bad policy overall.

It isn't that I don't think that NYRs don't work. They absolutely can. The problem I have is the psychology behind them (if you can imagine that!). A lot of people make resolutions because it's a tradition. But then they feel like crap about themselves when they give up 2-3 months into the new year. People seem to experience a lot of pressure to change something about their physical appearance, usually losing weight. So, a typical New Year's Resolution is made under a bit of duress, to change something about themselves that is notoriously difficult to change, and then abandoned because it was too much to take on at once. Then the guilt and shame set in.

Oh yeah, sign me up!

Now, I don't think it's a bad idea to periodically take stock of one's . . . whatever (life, situation, job, etc) and seriously think about all of the options available, no matter how impossible they may seem. But, do it because you want to, not because you think you have to. Change things that you want to change, things that will help you be 100% yourself, not because you're worried about what other people might think. Instead of resolving to lose weight (a really ambiguous prospect that implies there's something wrong with they way you look), resolve to take better care of yourself. Find a tolerable way to eat more vegetables, find a doctor who listens to you, be pickier about who you let into your life, go to therapy and find out how you're getting in your own way (spoken by someone who just went back to therapy).

I have a few ongoing "projects" I've been working on that I'll continue to work toward in 2008. I'll get licensed in 2008. I'm working on eating more vegetables to help me get my blood sugar under better control (so I'll feel my best and stop getting sick). I'm also trying to walk more because it helps control my blood sugar and because it keeps my back from hurting. I'm trying to bring my own reusable bags with me to whatever grocery store I go to. I want to make more time to read. These are all things I want to do for me.

Make your resolutions because you want to do something for yourself in the upcoming year. The rest of us think you're fine the way you are!

Thanks to SVJ for getting me thinking about this stuff!

The Outdoor Industry Hates Fat People

I went to REI today to pick up a new water bottle. My hooded raincoat finally gave up the ghost after 4-5 years, so I thought I'd poke around and see what I could find. I knew there wouldn't be too much in my price range, but REI's usually at least worth a look.

Not one plus-sized windbreaker-type coat to be found (I didn't look at every coat in the place, so I can't say there weren't any in the whole store). There were 2 that came in size XL, but they were too generously cut through the shoulders yet I couldn't comfortably zip them up. Now, I'm not that fat and it really felt shitty to not be able to zip up a coat without holding my stomach in. I have other very cute coats that fit very well and look great, but I do like to do outdoorsy stuff and I can't wear a faux leather fuzzy leopard lined coat that doesn't have a hood while I dash around in the rain (or to the bathroom in the morning while camping). I live in Oregon and this time of the year it can rain every day for a week or more - umbrellas aren't very useful going from the car to the grocery store. I want a damn raincoat!

Yes, I could buy a coat in the men's department. I've done it before. But I'm also short, so they come down almost to my knees, the arms are too long and the shoulders are usually too broad. Why should I have to, anyway? Why can't I buy something that fits in the women's section? You can't make something that fits a fat girl by simply increasing the proportions. Often our proportions are different (Old Navy, are you listening?). I realize it isn't possible to buy something off the rack that fits perfectly, but a little more thought could go into the stuff.

Hiking and camping is still apparently the domain of skinny people.

Just a Few Little Words

I noticed something interesting this morning. It would be an understatement to say that I'm a music nut. Music has always been one of the most important things in my life (I'm currently devouring Jim Walsh's book about The Replacements, a Christmas gift from a musical partner in crime). Nearly every spare minute of my life is crammed with music - in the house, in the car, on the 3 block walk from my car to the building my office is in, on the bus, I've even brought my laptop to hotel rooms so I can listen to music if I want. I'm also extremely picky about what I listen to. I'm not quite a musical snob because I listen to plenty of things my music snob friends wouldn't deign to experience (Third Eye Blind, for example).

Since I've listened to so much music in my life, I love a good cover song, both studio and live (one memorable highlight, Paul Westerberg covering "I Think I Love You" the last time he played here). So, I was understandably thrilled when I found Information Society's cover of Madonna's "Express Yourself" (for a Cleopatra Records tribute to Madonna). (I was also a huge Madonna fan when her first major record came out in 1984). I've been bopping around to that and a few others I found recently (on the Madonna theme, KMFDM reinterpreting "Material Girl"). This morning I was in the car and it struck me that IS's version of that song makes it sound sexist. I assume most of the members of IS are straight guys because they changed the pronouns in the song. Here's a sample:

"Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make her express how she feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a king on a throne
Make her love you till you can't come down"

"And when you're gone she might regret it
Think about the love she once had
Try to carry on, but she just won't get it
She'll be back on her knees"

There's also a woman's voice that periodically comes through and says something about "one woman with many faces." If I recall, that line refers to Eve and her "blunder" and how all women are essentially similarly "defective." Not exactly complimentary.

In doing something so small as changing the pronouns, they've changed the message of the song. Madonna's version is about empowerment, about taking a different approach in a relationship. This version is about subjugation. Changing the pronouns changes the meaning because women and men, despite having very few fundamental differences, occupy different roles in our society's hierarchy (this was a recent revelation to Dan Savage, whose column I typically enjoy). The image evoked by "she'll be back on her knees" is different than the image conjured by "he'll be back on his knees."

Another one of those million little things that happen every day that reinforce the status quo and make any degree of equality seem just out of reach.

Funny For The Weekend!

LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

(found at gcfl.net)

The F Word

In time for the holidays, here are some links that will make you feel good about yourself or give you something to think about.

In the first, kateharding over at Shapely Prose suggests that a lot of people may harbor a fantasy of being thin.

She also discusses the startling idea that bodies might all be different.

The last two are from Bitch PhD and Fatly Yours about the similarities between anti-gay and anti-fat prejudice.

Enjoy!

Listen To Your Body

More than anyone else, that's directed toward me. I'm struggling with being sick. I really hate it. After reading this post from little light, I realized it's probably because I feel so vulnerable and powerless. Guilty, too. I have a wonderful partner. We've been together for 11 years and we have a 4-year-old daughter (Ms Thang) together. Whenever I get sick it all falls on his shoulders - cleaning, figuring out and making dinner and taking care of Ms Thang (tending to her thousands of requests per hour, helping her clean up after half her dinner ends up on the floor and the bath). Now, for a normal cold, I'm completely out of commission for about a day, 50% for another day or two, 75% for another day or two and then I'm ok. During those days, I'm home for some or part of the day and will do light housework so things don't get too overwhelming for him (yes, I occasionally do too much for others - I'll yap about that some other time). As I write this, I'm realizing that I'm also dealing with side effects from last night's cold medicine - I'm really out of it and my forearms and hands feel like they have more energy stored in them then I can possibly use (the latter is called akathesia and is extremely uncomfortable). So, I have that going for me, too.

Obviously, if I'm writing about it, this has proven not to be a normal cold. Well, it started that way at the beginning of December. Then I got better. For a while. Then I got sick again, got a sinus infection and took antibiotics to get rid of it. I think I'm actually on round three by now and, though I didn't get a sinus infection, this time it's moved into my lungs, which is highly unusual and somewhat troubling. My doc, a naturopath, gave me a bunch of stuff that prevented the sinus infection that has become standard and now I'm on the second round of stuff from her that is supposed to help me kick this completely. I really prefer this approach to something like antibiotics, but it gets really expensive. I've spent over $100 on various herbal and homeopathic supports (vs. $5 for a prescription of azithromycin), which I really believe in after having very good experiences using them to help my body heal itself (this doc has never steered me wrong and I trust her completely - her solutions usually have much more long-term effects and go farther to solve the actual problem), but $100 in the week before Christmas hurts a little financially.

I'm also pissed because I feel like I'm being denied the Christmas experience. I'm not religious, but I freaking love Christmas. I decorate my house, Mr Bitch puts lights up outside, I'm a freak about Christmas music and I love wrapping presents. I'm way behind on my shopping, I haven't bought any new Christmas music and I haven't wrapped a single present and I hate it. I'm also planning to have a bunch of people over Christmas Eve and now there's a chance it won't happen and that makes me feel really sad. Not just because I've been really isolated since being sick, but because having a too-small house full of people eating, talking, laughing and listening to music is one of the most fun things I can do. It's a lot of work, so I usually only do it a couple times a year, but this year I may not get to. I'm not good at patience.

I feel like I'm whining, so I think I need to move on. I can say that I do have a pretty good idea of why I keep getting sick, which means there's something I can do about it. That always makes me feel better. It's a long-term solution that requires a lot of investment at the front end and there are also some food issues wrapped up in it. I've been insulin resistant for years and it's apparently entwined with polycystic ovarian syndrome (which is a whole other can of worms that I'm not interested in dissecting today and probably won't in this forum, anyway). The solution is very simple - keep my blood sugar within normal limits. When I do this, my immune system is rock solid, when I don't I start getting sick a lot. Hmmmm, interesting. The funny thing is that before I started getting sick this year I was starting to exercise again and adjusting my diet (not going on a diet, but making long-term changes) to start getting my health under control again. Too little, too late, I suppose (for this round, though not in general).

I'm really trying to take each day in stride, but that's so damn hard for me. I generally have a lot of energy and schedule my days in a way that usually requires a good amount of energy and I resent having to power down for a while. The vulnerability piece is there, too, but I think that's too deeply rooted to allow for more focused examination.

I think I may have the motivation to get back on the horse, though. Message received.

Seriously Funny

In addition to being a crazy bitch, I've also been known to be a crafty bitch, so I got a huge kick out of this: